Raising Selfless Children in a Narcissistic World

The story of Narcissus in Greek mythology laments the fate of a young man who was so consumed with his own image that he would stare endlessly at his own reflection. This would eventually lead to his demise as he would sacrifice everything—even his very will to live—for the love of himself. While the story is nothing more than myth, its lesson certainly mirrors the potential danger to which the Bible so often warns. Paul wrote to Timothy that the first sign of the last days would be that “people will be lovers of self” (2 Timothy 3:2) and he instructed the church at Philippi to “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves” (Philippians 2:3). While our great struggle with sin has always included the pull to go our own way rather than God’s, the temptation toward narcissism has perhaps never been as prevalent as in our own day. With the advent of social media, “selfies”, and an entire industry (FaceBook) devoted to providing unhindered access to all things wonderful about us, we are struggling to love anything beyond ourselves. Even as a parent, I have found the natural pull toward making my children feel as though they are more special than anyone else…perhaps to their own demise. In a recent article by David Prince of the Ethics and Religious Liberty Commission, he writes, “Children seem to acquire narcissism, in part, by internalizing parents’ inflated views of them. Unfortunately, the ‘you are so special, so smart, so beautiful, so talented, so gifted—you can do anything you want to do and be anything you want to be—mantra’ is often believed, and our children suffer because of it.”

He provides some helpful tips as to how parents can avoid this pitfall and accomplish their God-given task—to disciple their children as followers of Jesus Christ with characteristics of humility, submission, and hard work.

1. Tell your children the truth. Do not tell them delusional clichés like, “If you believe it, you can achieve it.” If they are not very good at something, say, “You are not very good at ______, so here is how you can work hard to get better, and if you don’t get better, here is how you can serve others or help your team.

2. Say “no” often and mean it. Saying “no” is a gift; maturity cannot take place without it. A parent who rarely says “no” to his or her children or only does so apologetically is cultivating an entitlement mentality and setting them up for failure as adults. Humbling hearing “no” from someone in authority and resourcefully pressing ahead with eagerness is a foundational life skill.

3. If they play sports, always support the coaches’ decision about playing time. Tell them, “If you want to play, then work harder and make it clear to the coach that you are the best option, and do not sit around and whine about it.” What a great opportunity to learn to be an adult employee to the glory of God.

4. Teach them their teacher is always right (even if they are wrong). It is not the job of the teacher to adjust to them; it is their job to adjust to the teacher. The teacher is the authority in the room, not your child. Unless the teacher does something immoral or unethical, then their authority should be honored. The teacher may make arbitrary decisions in the classroom, and they may unfairly grade an assignment—I call that great life preparation.

5. Require that they use honorific titles. Doing so cultivates a basic respect for authority and a willingness to recognize hierarchal structures and roles that God has ordained. Demanding your children use Mister, Miss (es), Doctor, Officer, President, and so forth is a consistent theology lesson. Parents, do we really want to teach our children that they do not have to show respect for those in authority because they disagree? What about when they disagree with you?

Parents, let’s pass on to our children a godly inheritance that will prepare them for eternity.

Jason