Not Home Yet

This week marks a significant point in my life as a follower of Jesus Christ. On July 22, 1990, at the age of 15, I repented of my sins and surrendered my life in faith to Jesus as Lord and Savior. For the past 29 years, I have been a follower of Jesus. (Yes, I know, if you do the math you will be able to know my age…thank you in advance for all those who think, “Wow, I didn’t think he was that old.”) I remember that particular evening very well. I had just come home from my first mission trip with the church. Our church youth choir had traveled to St. Louis, MO, to sing at different venues and to minister to children through backyard Bible clubs. While I was the typical teenager in every regard, I had inwardly been struggling with my faith for several weeks. I had counseled with several leaders in our church, as well as my parents who were both, and still are, committed followers of Jesus. While their words gave distinct direction, I could not come to terms of peace in my own relationship with God. I was in a constant state of confusion and restlessness, wondering if I could ever be certain of forgiveness and eternal life. I was reading through passages in the Bible which speak of salvation, gospel tracts that explained faith in Christ, and I prayed countless times for Jesus to come into my heart. Yet, I could find no assurance.

Then, on that Sunday evening following our trip, while at our church’s Sunday night service, I decided to give my whole life, even all of my doubt, to Christ. I can remember like yesterday the words I prayed and even the overwhelming sense of peace and rest that flooded my soul. I remember laying my head down on the pillow that night with the absolute assurance that if I died, I would be safe in the arms of God for eternity because Jesus had died for me.

You might be thinking that since July 22 was such a glorious day, July 23 must have been even more splendid. I remember that day just as well, but for different reasons. While there was an unmistakable change in my life, on that day and ever since I have been greeted by the harsh reality that I am not in glory yet…at least not in every way. I am “seated in the heavenlies” with Christ (Ephesians 2:6), a “new creation” (2 Corinthians 5:17), and most certainly a “child of God” (John 1:12). However, I still have times of doubt and restlessness. I am still racked by temptation and sin. There are moments in which I wrestle to understand why God would ever allow me, one that He has redeemed, to go through such pain or confusion. While I am certainly not what I once was without Christ, I can appreciate more everyday Paul’s haunting admission that he was “the worst of sinners” (1 Timothy 1:15). The longer I live, I view myself in the same manner.

Yet, 29 years later, I am as passionate about following Jesus as I was on that summer night in 1990. By the direction of Scripture, I have been prayerfully pondering the lessons I am still learning so that my passion to follow Christ does not flounder. I want to share just a few.

1. I must constantly re-evaluate the authenticity of my faith.

Or rather, I must ask God to evaluate the authenticity of my faith. While God’s Word is unchanging and His mercy toward me unending, my motivations must constantly be under the inspection of His truth and grace. Since my heart is deceitful above all things (Jeremiah 17:9), I must be careful to follow Paul’s instructions to “examine yourselves, to see whether you are in the faith” (2 Corinthians 13:5). Personally, I make it my daily practice in prayer before I read Scripture to ask God to “search my heart” (Psalm 139:23) so that He might expose anything in my life that keeps me from wanting Jesus more than anything else.

2. My need for the gospel message is as great today as the day I first heard it.

Sometimes, we wrongly portray the message of the gospel as something that is needed only for those who have yet to trust in Christ. Yet, the gospel is not something that we take hold of as much as it must take hold of us. The depths of my sin, the condemnation I deserve, the mercy shown me by Christ on the cross, and His resurrection power at work in me through faith are the bedrock foundations for my life each day. Less important than remembering the day I accepted Christ years ago is that I take hold of His gospel by faith today.

3. My salvation does not hinge upon my holding onto God, but His holding onto me.

More and more each day I am understanding that I must diligently seek Christ in order to grow in my faith. Yet, my seeking after Christ is really just a response to His grace as He draws me to Himself at every moment, as is reflected in the Apostle Paul’s words. “Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, … work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure” (Philippians 2:12-13).

4. I must rejoice in not only what I see God doing, but what I don’t see him doing.

God is at work in my life, my family, and our church. I am so thankful for the lives that are being changed by His grace and the prayers He is faithful to always answer. Yet, more often than not, I am distraught even more over what is not happening. But the entire tenet of Scripture proclaims that God is working in ways that we can’t necessarily observe. We will have to wait until His glory is finally revealed at His return to know the whole picture of His grace. And we can thank Him for those small glimpses He provides now. For instance, who knew that God was working in a young and insecure punk teenager’s life in such a way that He would one day use him to pastor such an excellent congregation as this! Only God!

Celebrating 29, but anticipating eternity to go,

Jason