Growing Up in a Fish Bowl

I have no idea what it is like to be a Pastor’s Kid (PK). Perhaps you do. Perhaps your father was a pastor or missionary, and so you understand all too well the unique joys and struggles of being born into the world with that designation. I do not. I have fond memories of my parents serving in the local church, but they were not in full-time ministry. So, I cannot speak to the challenges that only a PK can fully know. However, as a pastor, I am watching my children grow in an environment which makes great demands upon their father and mother, and from their very birth, even upon them.

I cannot express in enough words how thankful I am that our children have experienced firsthand the joys of ministry as a family. We have been able to travel to so many places and have witnessed God do amazing things both in and through our lives. We have served wonderful churches and been able to participate in hands-on opportunities in which we could minister in Christ’s name. Of greatest benefit, our children have been influenced by some of the godliest people we have ever known. These people have played with our children, taught our children, served Jesus alongside our children, and loved our children. The value of the local church upon our family, especially our children, is immeasurable.

However, while the calling of ministry is certainly filled with many joys, it is also fraught with many dangers, especially for the PK. The pastor and his spouse have come to know full well the expectations (unrealistic though they may be) of ministry. While I was already in ministry when Genee and I married, we came to understand very quickly in our marriage that our lives would be lived in a fish bowl. The Scriptures calling upon the Pastor’s family is very clear (1 Timothy 3:1-7). By God’s grace, we have sought to honor Christ as a married couple in ministry. But our children never had the opportunity to make that decision. Their plunge into local church ministry came before they were even born. They, too, have certain expectations placed upon them because of their Daddy’s title.

By some, they are expected to be absolutely perfect. They should know all the right answers in Sunday School. They must display the best attitudes at gatherings. They must be supportive of every church function by their attendance. Perhaps they should even follow in their parent’s footsteps by entering the ministry. They should always be respectful, kind, and good examples for others. This is the case not only at church functions, but even at school and community events, where everyone knows who they are even if that knowledge is not mutual to them. (We have even had the occasional drive-by guests in our neighborhood checking on how the PK’s act when playing in the yard!) Others have an entirely different set of expectations. Everyone is familiar with the jokes about PK’s. They have the reputation of being rebellious and devious. I have heard it a thousand times. “There’s goes the preacher’s kid…you know what they say…ha, ha, ha.”

But what I know about the PK is what I know about every young person. They are all struggling to discover their own unique identity. While that is a challenge for which there are many pitfalls, for the PK, overwhelming odds are already stacked against them. A faith in Jesus Christ, which must become their own, has been forced upon them at birth. Just like every other young person, they have a sin nature which embattles them against God’s good commands in every moment. Just like everyone else, they struggle with self-esteem, doubts about God, respecting authority, and making good choices in friends.

Unfortunately, though, the PK is not allowed to admit to these struggles because his or her parents have already achieved perfection (HA!). As a result of these unwarranted expectations, too many PK’s respond to the ministry fish bowl in one of two dangerous manners. Some walk a road of hypocrisy. They portray the façade that they are in fact flawless. They are able to do this so well because they have been prepped since birth for the part. However, this hypocrisy will eventually erode their souls and lead to spiritual atrophy (Matthew 23:27-28). Other PK’s will take the road of rebellion. Thrust into a life they never chose, they will seek to prove that they are not their parents. While much more apparent than hypocrisy, outright rebellion is no less damning to the soul (Proverbs 5:12-14).

While Genee and I are committed in God’s grace to see that our children will be fully devoted followers of Jesus, we too are painfully flawed as parents. How can you, our family of faith, come alongside us in nurturing the faith of the PK’s?

1. Pray for your Pastor’s family.

Just as I know you are praying for me as I stand to teach and preach God’s Word, pray that my family will follow Christ wholeheartedly. Just like your family, my family needs Christ desperately each day.

2. Tone down the expectations.

My children are just like yours. They make mistakes and struggle with right/wrong choices. Many times they do not know the right answers. Allow them room to grow into their identity and their faith in Christ. Likewise, they will need discipline as every young person does. This should not be shocking, but expected.

3. Allow them to be themselves.

My children are much more than a replay of their parents. They are perfectly designed in God’s image to glorify Jesus Christ. They are much more than the Pastor’s children; they are children of the King! If they don’t talk or act like the Pastor, that is because they are not the Pastor.

4. Disciple them like your own.

My children do not need special treatment nor unrealistic expectations. What they need is Jesus. Give them what every young person needs…someone who will show them what it means to trust and follow Jesus!

Thank you for loving on my family, especially my children. We cannot imagine experiencing greater love and support than what we have received from you. There is no better existence than the center of God’s calling. By God’s grace, even the Pastor’s family will love, live, and lead.

Jason